The Wolf

The wolf is my teacher. She shows me when I need to be free. She shows me when I need to take my own path. She shows me when I need to come home. She shows me where I belong. She is the source of my strength. She is the source of my emotion. She has a story to tell me. She has a quest for me. Her quest is that I learn how to lead a life where my freedom is not compromised by my desire to be apart of my pack or to find a mate.

She wants me to claim the strength that comes from being who I am. She wants me to let my senses guide me. She wants me to listen to the wisdom of my heart and the wisdom of my intellect. She wants me to see that neither can be told apart. She wants me to follow my dreams with steadfast passion.

The wolf tells me to not be afraid of loneliness. The wolf tells me to embrace the darkness of night. The wolf tells me to embrace the vast emptiness of possibility. She tells me I must find my inner power. I must find myself alone. My wolf wants me to discover my inner howl!

She tells me to trust my instincts. To trust my feelings and emotions. She tells me to trust myself. She tells me to listen to my own voice. She tells me to follow my path. She tells me to know my path. She tells me to be determined.

The wolf tells me that my life involves two forces, and that I must find a balance between the two. The wolf tells me that there are lessons to be learned at every crossroad, and that the most important lesson is in directing my own learning.

My wolf is telling me to respect and protect my territory. She is telling me to be guarded from outside influence. She is telling me to be true to my thoughts and desires.

The wolf tells me to dance in the face of fear. The wolf tells me to play at my work, and work at my play. The wolf tells me to be confident in the length of my stride. She tells me to know my destiny, and to never succumb to anything less than fulfilling it.

The wolf tells me to be a keen observer of my surroundings. The wolf tells me to chart new territories. To explore a new neck of the woods. The wolf tells me that home is where my heart is. The wolf tells me that I belong here, not because of my experience with this place but because I am a Wolf.

The wolf inside me is here to heal a torn heart, a limping stride, and a tame spirit. The wolf is here to guide me on a journey through a forest of unknown beasts. The wolf is here to show me my purest nature. She is here inside me. She is my strength. She is my compassion. She is my humility. She is my passion. She is my spirit. I hear her. I will howl alone in the dark.

GIRL IN A PINK BERET

Discovering Independence

The most important thing I discovered about myself today is that I'm dependent. I'm dependent on others for my happiness. I ask too much of the people around me, because I need too much of them. I need them to tell me what I'm worth. But no one wants to tell you what you're worth. People are concerned that it will come off the wrong way. I have been taught all my life that you can't express your feelings openly, because if you do you are invading another person's space. You are making them uncomfortable because they don't know what to do with the feelings you have shared. They don't know how to respond. Somehow this has never deterred me from being open with others. I believe that people deserve to know that they are meaningful to you.

However, I am beginning to realize that sharing my feelings isn't accomplishing what I want it to, and that it is actually playing a part in my dependency on others. When I tell someone that I like them, it isn't that simple. I've realized that I am looking for a response. Considering how openly and how quickly I share my feelings, I never get the response I am asking for. Instead most people distance themselves from me. I am left alone and hurt. I cannot ask for others to tell me what I'm worth, because the answer will obviously be that I am not worth their time. My predicament is that I want others to know that I care about them, but I also want them to believe that I am worth their time.

I need to find a new way of showing others that I care. I want them to know that I am genuinely interested in knowing them. I want them to know that I want to know who they are. In the past I've been too quick to jump to the words I like you, or even I love you. I've noticed that these words are truly meaningless. The only person who gives them meaning is me. I know how I feel and why I feel the way I do, but the people around me are blind and confused. They feel threatened. They don't feel the care behind the words, all they see are expectations they cannot meet.

I want to learn how to set boundaries and how to show how I feel and be true to myself without being invasive. I know I have a lot to learn in these areas. I've hated boundaries all my life. I felt that the only purpose they played in my life was to get in the way of me being me. I even believed they were useless to others as well because they get in the way of them being themselves too. But now I feel differently. I've been hurting for a long time because I have been so willing to believe what others have said about me. I believed I wasn't worth their time. Now I know that boundaries aren't meant to keep you from being who you are, they are meant to protect who you are. They are meant to help you feel strong.

I can be strong if I learn how to set my own boundaries and how to live within them, as well as how to live within other people's boundaries. I realize now that I have always had boundaries, but I never respected them before. My boundaries went unheard. I don't want to be mistreated. I don't want to be judged for being different. I don't want to be seen as unworthy. I am an extraordinary person who has always cared for others unconditionally.

If I want others to listen to my boundaries I have to respect them myself. I have to tell others with my actions and my words that I deserve to be treated right, and that I don't deserve to be judged for being different, and that I don't deserve to be treated like I am unworthy of their time. I have to tell others that I am extraordinary, and beautiful, and that I deserve to be cared for unconditionally.

There is only one way to tell others that I am extraordinary and beautiful, and that is to tell myself that I deserve respect, that my differences are my greatest strengths, and that I am worthy of love. I am going to start by saying that I respect the way I feel, and that I am not going to allow others to change that. I love that I am a person who cares for others unconditionally from the very start. I am going to respect these feelings by showing others that I care in a way that validates my feelings rather than invalidates them. I am going to stop jumping to I like you, and especially to I love you. I am going to slow down and give myself a chance to get to know someone better first because I am worth their time. I am worth a lifetime of friendship, and yet I have been allowing myself to be treated as though I am only worth a week to a couple of months. I will not allow it anymore.

I am not interested in being more than friends with anyone until we have been friends for a long time, because I am worthy of the greatest friendships, and most importantly.... I deserve a person who genuinely cares about who I am and wants me to be in their life forever.

GIRL IN A PINK BERET

Who I want to be when I grow up

It is easy to lose track of who you are and who you want to be. You can wake up in the morning and forget yourself and go to sleep at night, without realizing that you missed anything. Even when you do recognize what you are missing, sometimes you feel hopeless and helpless to make the changes you know are necessary in your life. Days can seem endless, or they can flow by as fast as your heart rate after a long run. Sometimes you wish you could move on to the next day, and other times you wish you could hold on to the last. But regardless of how hard you try to escape or how hard you try to hold on, the fact is that you can't control which days last and which days don't. All you can do is continue to wake up, do your best, and go to sleep.

Sometimes your best isn't good enough, and you struggle to do better while days pass by either too quickly or too slowly no matter how strong your will is.

Lately, my best hasn't been what I want it to be, and I have been struggling every day to make it better. I wake up full of stamina but by the time I get up and ready for the day I feel exhausted more than I really should be, as if there were a leak in my tank, and no matter how many times I refill my tank with stamina it burns out just as fast as before. I've tried out different patches... thinking more positively, eating healthier, sleeping better, but no matter what physical changes I make to my routines I still run out of stamina fairly quickly. The solution somehow still escapes me.

I know now that it is a mental battle rather than a physical one. I am fighting against my own mental illness. I am fighting against lifelong depression. I've been battling against the idea that there is something wrong with me all my life. I have been unwilling to admit that I am unhappy, because I didn't want to admit that something is wrong. I didn't want to give my illness power by giving it recognition. Now I realize that by not admitting that I am unhappy I gave my unhappiness power over me. I can only have power over my own happiness when I allow myself to admit that I am unhappy.

Once I realized that I am unhappy and that I have been unhappy for quite some time, I wanted to know when I was happiest, I wanted to know what made me unhappy. I thought long and hard, and I realized that I can't remember a time in my life when I was truly happy inside.

My mother sent me a bunch of pictures of me as a young child. I don't remember what my life was like when I was a young child, but I looked at my baby picture and I saw a beautiful child that deserved to have happiness. I told myself that I needed to create my own happiness, that I needed to give true happiness to this little child who does not know what happiness feels like.

It isn't easy to admit to one's self or to those around you that you are unhappy. People who know me think of me as one of the happiest people they know, and expect me to be happy all the time. But the truth is that I am not happy and I don't know what it feels like to be happy.

My goal for the next two years is to be happy. My goal is to create my own happiness. My goal is to listen to that little child and become exactly who she wants me to be. I know that I will find happiness when I find myself. I know that she is here somewhere, waiting to be found.

I am going to chronicle my journey by writing about what little part of her I find every day, until my search is complete.

GIRL IN A PINK BERET

Kolo Festival, San Francisco, and endless possibilities!

Thanksgiving break 2011, I traveled down to San Francisco for the first time in my life and was immediately captivated by coming over the bay bridge, sighting the golden gate bridge in the distance, and watching the buildings rise above the freeway. The architecture seemed magical. The houses on the hills were each painted in a unique and authentic color, yet they each resembled the next while displaying the sense of belonging. I learned a life lesson here, we can each be authentic and unique and still share a sense of belonging with those around us. There is no need to feel lonely for being different. I hardly slept that night. I was so full of excitement for the days activities. I was looking forward to rigorous dancing and learning. I was extremely happy for the opportunity to make more connections in the folk dancing community. I enjoyed learning dances with new people, who brought a new perspective on folk dancing that I had not seen before. I enjoyed watching the minute and pronounced differences in style from person to person. I enjoyed taking hands with people I hardly knew and instantly belonging to something infinitely beautiful. I enjoyed building new memories with my body, heart, mind and soul. It was outstanding, standing there in a room filled with lifetimes of passion. I danced, and danced, and danced,and danced. I met many incredible young people. They made dancing feel even more enchanting. One girl had an inspiring effect on me. I feel as though the universe is full of infinite possibilities. I have been so fortunate in the last two years to come into contact with so many incredibly passionate young women who have impressed upon me the desire to fulfill dreams and live with more passion. I am glad my life is so touched by talented and passionate people. Sincerely, GIRL IN A PINK BERT

The Tree of Sefirot

An attempt at describing the Kabbalah and its significance to me, as a person and as an educator.

Its core symbol is the Tree of Sefirot, which is a geometrical symbol, containing numbered spheres and lettered connecting-paths with patterns of mathematical as well as metaphorical significance. It is a symbol that I have grown up with all my life, and it has had so much influence on my life, and who I've become. It is a theory of existence, a theory of everything. The symbol, the tree of Sefirot, is considered to be the unfolding of existence. The first sphere 'ein-sof' or 'without end' is a symbol of undefined infinity, on the tree it is given the number 0 which is a number of undefined value. If you divide a number by 0 it is undefined, while if you divide a number by an infinitely small number in close proximity to 0 the answer approaches infinity. Hence numerology is of great significance in relation to the meaning of each sphere. The spheres are labeled 0-11. 0 and 11 are not defined as Sefirot, but are defined as the place from which they came and the place to which they return, from infinite existence to finite existence, or undefined to defined. Each time this cycle occurs in life infinity is expanded and transformed. Giving more opportunity for evolving. I know of nothing deeper than the symbol of the Tree of Sefirot.

There are ten Sefirot in existence, a point of departing and a point of returning (which are essentially interchangeable as any and all beginnings are interchangeable with any and all endings), and 22 paths of relation between the Sefirot. I will expand on the Sefirot and the infinity from which existence expands from and contracts to. We will leave the 22 paths for another message as my understanding of them is fairly shallow and lacking depth, and would make describing them and their relations to the ten Sefirot a difficult task.

The format of the tree is as follows:

-------0: Ein-Sof


-------1: Keter

3: Binah-----2: Hokmah

-------4: Da'at

6: Gevurah------5: Hesed

-------7: Tif'eret

9: Hod -------8: Netsah

-------10: Yesod


-------11: Malkhut

The opposite ideologies represent balance in that they are positioned in exactly opposite positions on the tree. 1 is opposite from 10, 2 opposite from 9, etc... the opposites each add up to 11. I did my best to represent the geometric pattern to the tree without having an actual image. 1-10 are considered the 10 Sefirot and 0 and 11 the spring from which they sprung and the ocean to which they return.

Ein-Sof the first sphere on the tree of life essentially means without end. It is the infinite presence in existence from which everything expands. It contains all knowledge from which creation comes- it contains all knowledge within the universe. It is infinite so that it may create all life. It is essentially the spirit that is all knowing of the universe. Within you it is your third eye the one that has infinite understanding of your world. There is one path that extends from this sphere. From that path, the first Sefirot emerges, which is the second sphere on the tree.

The first Sefirot is called Keter, which put simply is Identity. It is the sphere that is entirely enveloped in the mental world. It is your thoughts from which decisions abound. It is the origin from which the rest of you unfolds.

The second Sefirot is called Hokhmah. It refers to the mental and the emotional. It is the place in which the poet and artist and musician come from. It is a place where the heart and mind combine. Creativity originates here.

The third Sefirot is called Binah. It refers to the physical and the mental combined. It is the world where the logical, philosophical and academic thinking abides. It is a sphere for learning and gaining information.

The fourth Sefirot is called Da'at which is wisdom. It is the ideas in which your heart invests. Another title I have given to this sphere is emotion. It is where your emotions and feelings guide you. It is a compass.

1, 4, 7 and 10 are on the center pillar of the tree where there is balance or in other words an absence of constriction and or expansion. 2, 5, and 8 are on the right pillar which is where expansion takes place. 3, 6, and 9 are on the left pillar where the common theme is to constrict. 2: creativity, is having a desire to create... hence expand. 3: Learning, has to do with defining and categorizing information... hence constricting. There is a constant expanding and restricting motion present in the order of the spheres and in the overall existence of the Sefirot.

The fifth Sefirot is called Hesed which is the world that is entirely emotional, or in other words representing the heart, love without bounds. It represents the openness of unconditional love. The part of you that cannot have a logical compass. Love defies all boundaries.

The sixth Sefirot is called Gevurah which has a lot to do with integrity. It is the physical realm of the emotional world. It is how your actions and emotions affect others.

The seventh Sefirot is called Tif'eret and it is at the center of the tree and represents a place of balance and rest. It relates to the seventh day of creation on which god rests. It is also a desire to belong, a desire for community and for relation to others.

The eight Sefirot is called Netsah and it is the emotional realm of the physical world. It is where health abides, being whole in spirit and body. It is where nourishment and nurturing abide.

The ninth Sefirot is called Hod and it is purely physical. It is full of lively action. It is called splendor. It is where desires and needs are born and then held. Here is a place nearing completion.

The tenth and final Sefirot is called Yesod and it is the opposite of Identity which focuses inward. Yesod is focusing outward. It is where balance has been found. Inner definition has been accomplished and can now be fulfilled. Yesod represents fulfillment.

The final sphere on the tree of life is called Malkhut it is a place of continued existence. It is the opposite of Ein-Sof which is limitless existence. Malkhut is limited existence it is existence as a finite rather than infinite being. Yet in some ways Malkhut and Ein-Sof can be the same thing. Like departing from and then returning to the same place, which has become different merely because you have evolved through the journey.

The way that I relate the ten Sefirot to my life is that each area must be equally balanced in order for you to become whole and able to exist in Malkhut. You start from a point of infinite possibility and expand and then contract to a point of continued existence as a finite person. A complete person because you have achieved definition and balance in each and every realm/Sefirot. Identity, creativity, learning, emotion, heart, integrity, community, health, desire, and fulfillment.

The Tree of Sefirot has great significance in my life. It has been with me throughout my entire life. The idea of becoming a balanced person has been a constant motivation. It has been significant in forming my philosophy on education. For example: when educators speak of supporting the growth of the whole child, I believe that a knowledge of the ten Sefirot or ten dimensions of being is rudimentary in having the capacity as a teacher to do just that, to support growth in each of the ten Sefirot. It has been significant in forming my spiritual ideas. It has been significant in forming every part of my being.

It is especially significant because it is expansive and helps me to constantly deepen my understanding of the world. It has helped me to remove myself from many boxes.

Significantly,


GIRL IN A PINK BERET

Sunday - April - 17th

I went to the local Unitarian Universalist Church for the first time in my life. It was an intriguing experience. For the most part I enjoyed the things the pastor said. She was thoughtful. However, I still don't feel like there is an organized religion out there to which I feel a sense of belonging. I certainly praise the Unitarian Universalist Church for trying :). After church, I went for this really long and enchanting walk in the rain. It was beautiful. I danced a little on the street as the rain fell. I felt my spirit through and through and knew that in that moment I was divine. I've spent so many years looking at myself through a microscope analyzing every microscopic organism, seeing all my imperfections, and feeling disappointed. Now, I feel mesmerized by the tiny details in every living, vibrant organism within me. There is a singer, a poet, an artist, and a dancer within me. Each of which expresses with courage and vitality that they are beautiful, divine, creative, and spirited. I look at myself walking down the street with a smile that spreads so big that my arms reach out and spread like wings. I felt that if fairy dust sprinkled upon my head I would surely float away.

-GIRLINAPINKBERET

100 Things I Love To Do On A Regular Basis

1: Folk Dancing

2: Ballroom Dancing

3: Sewing

4: Crossing Bridges

5: Scaling Staircases (also dancing on staircases)

6: Juggling

7: Playing With My Rubiks Cube

8: Printmaking

9: Crab Walking

10: Dancing Freestyle

11: Stomping My Feet

12: Designing Houses

13: Designing Lego Buildings

14: Playing With Wooden Blocks

15: Skipping Randomly

16: Drawing

17: Reading Children's Books In The Library

18: Reading Poetry

19: Writing Poetry

20: Writing Stories

21: Writing Children's Books

22: Ice Skating

23: Bowling

24: Roller Skating

25: Hiking

26: Walking In The Park

27: Sitting At The Duck Pond

28: Teaching

29: Teaching Folk Dances

30: Playing Board Games

31: Story Telling

32: Imaginary Play

33: Philosophical Conversations

34: Photo Shoots

35: Dressing Up

36: Singing

37: Playing My Guitar

38: Cook

39: Create New Recipes

40: Go To Plays

41: Go To The Green Show

42: Walk On The Rail Road Tracks

43: Dance In The Rain

44: Create Snow Angels

45: Create Interesting Sculptures In The Snow

46: Create Interesting Sculptures In The Sand At The Beach

47: Build Sand Castles

48: Build Fairy Houses

49: Build Wooden Boats To Sail Down The River

50: Drawing With Chalk On The Sidewalks

TO BE CONTINUED.....