Discovering Independence

The most important thing I discovered about myself today is that I'm dependent. I'm dependent on others for my happiness. I ask too much of the people around me, because I need too much of them. I need them to tell me what I'm worth. But no one wants to tell you what you're worth. People are concerned that it will come off the wrong way. I have been taught all my life that you can't express your feelings openly, because if you do you are invading another person's space. You are making them uncomfortable because they don't know what to do with the feelings you have shared. They don't know how to respond. Somehow this has never deterred me from being open with others. I believe that people deserve to know that they are meaningful to you.

However, I am beginning to realize that sharing my feelings isn't accomplishing what I want it to, and that it is actually playing a part in my dependency on others. When I tell someone that I like them, it isn't that simple. I've realized that I am looking for a response. Considering how openly and how quickly I share my feelings, I never get the response I am asking for. Instead most people distance themselves from me. I am left alone and hurt. I cannot ask for others to tell me what I'm worth, because the answer will obviously be that I am not worth their time. My predicament is that I want others to know that I care about them, but I also want them to believe that I am worth their time.

I need to find a new way of showing others that I care. I want them to know that I am genuinely interested in knowing them. I want them to know that I want to know who they are. In the past I've been too quick to jump to the words I like you, or even I love you. I've noticed that these words are truly meaningless. The only person who gives them meaning is me. I know how I feel and why I feel the way I do, but the people around me are blind and confused. They feel threatened. They don't feel the care behind the words, all they see are expectations they cannot meet.

I want to learn how to set boundaries and how to show how I feel and be true to myself without being invasive. I know I have a lot to learn in these areas. I've hated boundaries all my life. I felt that the only purpose they played in my life was to get in the way of me being me. I even believed they were useless to others as well because they get in the way of them being themselves too. But now I feel differently. I've been hurting for a long time because I have been so willing to believe what others have said about me. I believed I wasn't worth their time. Now I know that boundaries aren't meant to keep you from being who you are, they are meant to protect who you are. They are meant to help you feel strong.

I can be strong if I learn how to set my own boundaries and how to live within them, as well as how to live within other people's boundaries. I realize now that I have always had boundaries, but I never respected them before. My boundaries went unheard. I don't want to be mistreated. I don't want to be judged for being different. I don't want to be seen as unworthy. I am an extraordinary person who has always cared for others unconditionally.

If I want others to listen to my boundaries I have to respect them myself. I have to tell others with my actions and my words that I deserve to be treated right, and that I don't deserve to be judged for being different, and that I don't deserve to be treated like I am unworthy of their time. I have to tell others that I am extraordinary, and beautiful, and that I deserve to be cared for unconditionally.

There is only one way to tell others that I am extraordinary and beautiful, and that is to tell myself that I deserve respect, that my differences are my greatest strengths, and that I am worthy of love. I am going to start by saying that I respect the way I feel, and that I am not going to allow others to change that. I love that I am a person who cares for others unconditionally from the very start. I am going to respect these feelings by showing others that I care in a way that validates my feelings rather than invalidates them. I am going to stop jumping to I like you, and especially to I love you. I am going to slow down and give myself a chance to get to know someone better first because I am worth their time. I am worth a lifetime of friendship, and yet I have been allowing myself to be treated as though I am only worth a week to a couple of months. I will not allow it anymore.

I am not interested in being more than friends with anyone until we have been friends for a long time, because I am worthy of the greatest friendships, and most importantly.... I deserve a person who genuinely cares about who I am and wants me to be in their life forever.

GIRL IN A PINK BERET