The Wolf

The wolf is my teacher. She shows me when I need to be free. She shows me when I need to take my own path. She shows me when I need to come home. She shows me where I belong. She is the source of my strength. She is the source of my emotion. She has a story to tell me. She has a quest for me. Her quest is that I learn how to lead a life where my freedom is not compromised by my desire to be apart of my pack or to find a mate.

She wants me to claim the strength that comes from being who I am. She wants me to let my senses guide me. She wants me to listen to the wisdom of my heart and the wisdom of my intellect. She wants me to see that neither can be told apart. She wants me to follow my dreams with steadfast passion.

The wolf tells me to not be afraid of loneliness. The wolf tells me to embrace the darkness of night. The wolf tells me to embrace the vast emptiness of possibility. She tells me I must find my inner power. I must find myself alone. My wolf wants me to discover my inner howl!

She tells me to trust my instincts. To trust my feelings and emotions. She tells me to trust myself. She tells me to listen to my own voice. She tells me to follow my path. She tells me to know my path. She tells me to be determined.

The wolf tells me that my life involves two forces, and that I must find a balance between the two. The wolf tells me that there are lessons to be learned at every crossroad, and that the most important lesson is in directing my own learning.

My wolf is telling me to respect and protect my territory. She is telling me to be guarded from outside influence. She is telling me to be true to my thoughts and desires.

The wolf tells me to dance in the face of fear. The wolf tells me to play at my work, and work at my play. The wolf tells me to be confident in the length of my stride. She tells me to know my destiny, and to never succumb to anything less than fulfilling it.

The wolf tells me to be a keen observer of my surroundings. The wolf tells me to chart new territories. To explore a new neck of the woods. The wolf tells me that home is where my heart is. The wolf tells me that I belong here, not because of my experience with this place but because I am a Wolf.

The wolf inside me is here to heal a torn heart, a limping stride, and a tame spirit. The wolf is here to guide me on a journey through a forest of unknown beasts. The wolf is here to show me my purest nature. She is here inside me. She is my strength. She is my compassion. She is my humility. She is my passion. She is my spirit. I hear her. I will howl alone in the dark.

GIRL IN A PINK BERET

Discovering Independence

The most important thing I discovered about myself today is that I'm dependent. I'm dependent on others for my happiness. I ask too much of the people around me, because I need too much of them. I need them to tell me what I'm worth. But no one wants to tell you what you're worth. People are concerned that it will come off the wrong way. I have been taught all my life that you can't express your feelings openly, because if you do you are invading another person's space. You are making them uncomfortable because they don't know what to do with the feelings you have shared. They don't know how to respond. Somehow this has never deterred me from being open with others. I believe that people deserve to know that they are meaningful to you.

However, I am beginning to realize that sharing my feelings isn't accomplishing what I want it to, and that it is actually playing a part in my dependency on others. When I tell someone that I like them, it isn't that simple. I've realized that I am looking for a response. Considering how openly and how quickly I share my feelings, I never get the response I am asking for. Instead most people distance themselves from me. I am left alone and hurt. I cannot ask for others to tell me what I'm worth, because the answer will obviously be that I am not worth their time. My predicament is that I want others to know that I care about them, but I also want them to believe that I am worth their time.

I need to find a new way of showing others that I care. I want them to know that I am genuinely interested in knowing them. I want them to know that I want to know who they are. In the past I've been too quick to jump to the words I like you, or even I love you. I've noticed that these words are truly meaningless. The only person who gives them meaning is me. I know how I feel and why I feel the way I do, but the people around me are blind and confused. They feel threatened. They don't feel the care behind the words, all they see are expectations they cannot meet.

I want to learn how to set boundaries and how to show how I feel and be true to myself without being invasive. I know I have a lot to learn in these areas. I've hated boundaries all my life. I felt that the only purpose they played in my life was to get in the way of me being me. I even believed they were useless to others as well because they get in the way of them being themselves too. But now I feel differently. I've been hurting for a long time because I have been so willing to believe what others have said about me. I believed I wasn't worth their time. Now I know that boundaries aren't meant to keep you from being who you are, they are meant to protect who you are. They are meant to help you feel strong.

I can be strong if I learn how to set my own boundaries and how to live within them, as well as how to live within other people's boundaries. I realize now that I have always had boundaries, but I never respected them before. My boundaries went unheard. I don't want to be mistreated. I don't want to be judged for being different. I don't want to be seen as unworthy. I am an extraordinary person who has always cared for others unconditionally.

If I want others to listen to my boundaries I have to respect them myself. I have to tell others with my actions and my words that I deserve to be treated right, and that I don't deserve to be judged for being different, and that I don't deserve to be treated like I am unworthy of their time. I have to tell others that I am extraordinary, and beautiful, and that I deserve to be cared for unconditionally.

There is only one way to tell others that I am extraordinary and beautiful, and that is to tell myself that I deserve respect, that my differences are my greatest strengths, and that I am worthy of love. I am going to start by saying that I respect the way I feel, and that I am not going to allow others to change that. I love that I am a person who cares for others unconditionally from the very start. I am going to respect these feelings by showing others that I care in a way that validates my feelings rather than invalidates them. I am going to stop jumping to I like you, and especially to I love you. I am going to slow down and give myself a chance to get to know someone better first because I am worth their time. I am worth a lifetime of friendship, and yet I have been allowing myself to be treated as though I am only worth a week to a couple of months. I will not allow it anymore.

I am not interested in being more than friends with anyone until we have been friends for a long time, because I am worthy of the greatest friendships, and most importantly.... I deserve a person who genuinely cares about who I am and wants me to be in their life forever.

GIRL IN A PINK BERET

Who I want to be when I grow up

It is easy to lose track of who you are and who you want to be. You can wake up in the morning and forget yourself and go to sleep at night, without realizing that you missed anything. Even when you do recognize what you are missing, sometimes you feel hopeless and helpless to make the changes you know are necessary in your life. Days can seem endless, or they can flow by as fast as your heart rate after a long run. Sometimes you wish you could move on to the next day, and other times you wish you could hold on to the last. But regardless of how hard you try to escape or how hard you try to hold on, the fact is that you can't control which days last and which days don't. All you can do is continue to wake up, do your best, and go to sleep.

Sometimes your best isn't good enough, and you struggle to do better while days pass by either too quickly or too slowly no matter how strong your will is.

Lately, my best hasn't been what I want it to be, and I have been struggling every day to make it better. I wake up full of stamina but by the time I get up and ready for the day I feel exhausted more than I really should be, as if there were a leak in my tank, and no matter how many times I refill my tank with stamina it burns out just as fast as before. I've tried out different patches... thinking more positively, eating healthier, sleeping better, but no matter what physical changes I make to my routines I still run out of stamina fairly quickly. The solution somehow still escapes me.

I know now that it is a mental battle rather than a physical one. I am fighting against my own mental illness. I am fighting against lifelong depression. I've been battling against the idea that there is something wrong with me all my life. I have been unwilling to admit that I am unhappy, because I didn't want to admit that something is wrong. I didn't want to give my illness power by giving it recognition. Now I realize that by not admitting that I am unhappy I gave my unhappiness power over me. I can only have power over my own happiness when I allow myself to admit that I am unhappy.

Once I realized that I am unhappy and that I have been unhappy for quite some time, I wanted to know when I was happiest, I wanted to know what made me unhappy. I thought long and hard, and I realized that I can't remember a time in my life when I was truly happy inside.

My mother sent me a bunch of pictures of me as a young child. I don't remember what my life was like when I was a young child, but I looked at my baby picture and I saw a beautiful child that deserved to have happiness. I told myself that I needed to create my own happiness, that I needed to give true happiness to this little child who does not know what happiness feels like.

It isn't easy to admit to one's self or to those around you that you are unhappy. People who know me think of me as one of the happiest people they know, and expect me to be happy all the time. But the truth is that I am not happy and I don't know what it feels like to be happy.

My goal for the next two years is to be happy. My goal is to create my own happiness. My goal is to listen to that little child and become exactly who she wants me to be. I know that I will find happiness when I find myself. I know that she is here somewhere, waiting to be found.

I am going to chronicle my journey by writing about what little part of her I find every day, until my search is complete.

GIRL IN A PINK BERET